Light.

There was a lone figure walking on a path. Dark hair, pale, with eyes that no longer shone. She walked alone in the cold, dark woods.  She tripped on a root, and fell to the ground. Tears fell down her cheeks, and created a pool on the rocky ground. As she pulled herself off of the ground, she kept her eyes down as she walked forward. Then she felt that familiar feeling, her hand being held. She looked over and found that familiar face. There was a terrifying darkness, yet a strange comfort found in the knowing that it would not leave unless she really told it to. It was reliable. The pain of having her hand held by it was worth it, though now she could not tell you why. It seems it was part of the life.

As they walked along slowly, many others approached and voiced their opinions.

“Why are you still walking?”

“Where do you think you are going to end up?”

“Who are you? Oh, right. Not even you can answer that question.”

Depression held her hand the entire time, not letting go. The already dark sky, became even darker as she continued to walk. Though she did not seem to notice. They continued to walk in silence, only speaking rarely when Depression would ask her that question.

“Why are we still walking? We aren’t gonna find it.”

Her response was always the same, “Because I know it is here. I just have to keep going.”

And that she did, for what felt like forever.

As she slept one night, she heard distant laughter. Thought it was nothing that she heard from Depression, who was always there. She sat up and looked around. That was when she saw the light. She slowly stood up, and walked towards it. Depression slowly woke up, and saw her walking away. It tried to get up and follow, but it could not see her. The light made it unable to see anything around. So instead it sat in silence, and hoped that she would come back.

But she did not. She walked towards the light. She felt the ground change beneath her feet. She looked down to find grass, perfectly green and full of life. As she looked around her she saw fields, there was not much in them, but there was sun and green grass. It was more life than she had seen in a long time.

When she looked out into the distance, she could see fields of flowers, and streams of bubbling water. She saw life, and so many things worth running towards. Then she heard running footsteps. She turned, fearing that she would see Depression had followed her from the dark woods. Instead she found herself face to face with Joy. It was a familiar face, one she had missed everyday of the last while. Joy looked at her, smiled, grabbed her hand, and began to run. They ran towards the streams and towards the brightest light she had ever seen. They stopped at the stream, and in the flower fields. There was so much beauty to be found, and knowing that they were heading towards more beauty at all time, made every minute greater and greater.

Every once in a while they would pass by the dark woods, and she would see Depression lurking in the shadows waving, and waiting for her to wander back in. Depression would always be there waiting to befriend her again, that she knew. But she chose every day, to take Joys hand and continue to run towards that light. Everyday she learned more about who she was, and joy showed her what made her life worth living.

And that it was, a life worth living. She felt that more and more everyday. There was a calling on her life, one that was full of joy, peace, and promise. So everyday she pursued that. She pursued the call, and from that came a life of prosperity. The girl who had once tripped and fallen in a weeping heap on the ground was gone. In her place stood a woman who gained her confidence from the Lord, and exuded joy.

There is hope, always hope. Keep pursuing that light. It is the key to living a beautiful life.

 

 

It is all a journey. I am barely out of those dark woods, but I see the promise. I see joy coming towards me. I have hope. So here is my heart right now.

 

 

Nothing.

I have nothing left to give, and nothing left to say. My mind is never blank, but words can’t come out without tears joining along. Utter brokenness feels like my life. Exhaustion fills every bone of my body, and flows into my mind. How did I get here. How did we fall so far. Why am I the only one feeling pain from this? I have become invisible. There is nothing. 

Heaven holds my heart. It holds the joy I have felt for years. It is there now, not here. There is still peace and comes and goes. But the joy feels as distant as the sun. I can see it, I can even feel it sometimes, but I can’t touch it with my own hands. Without joy, what is there. Without my heart, what am I. 

But they say it can only get better, but they’ve also said it has to get worse before it can get better. I’m receiving mixed messages. I just want to reach the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I do not want my heart back. I feel as if maybe I just need another. The Lord will give me his, I just don’t wanna ask for it. For I am afraid my humanity will overrun it as it did to my other. I broke it into a million tiny pieces. Then the Lord took it into heaven. He fixed it, but he seems to be keeping it there. Which is fine. I wouldn’t want it back anyways. 

It’s nothing. That’s what I say. I’m dealing with a lot, this is true. But there’s nothing anyone can do. So again I say these words, but what do they really mean? Maybe they just mean nothing. 

Hopeless.

The world around me seems to move in oblivious slow motion, as I, in their presence slowly deteriorate. I am brave. I am optimistic. I will stay strong, and lean on Jesus. These words ring true for a while. I continue to go through the motions, day in and day out. My heart has to be reminded on a daily, “Do not grow weary. There is good to come.” But after a while, those words start sounding empty. The heart starts halfheartedly believing what I speak to it. It starts to question whether my mind actually believes what I am speaking. It becomes routine, and doubt becomes a common factor in every conversation and interaction. It weighs heavy.

The sun shines through my window as I lay staring at the ceiling. It is blank. I wish my mind could just be blank. Then in a single moment I realized something. The hope was gone. I had none left. I was living a life trusting the Lord, but having no hope that good… or greater was to come. Just a heart that loves Jesus is left. But it is ridden with sadness, and depression. It causes the world to look like a dark place. It refuses to see the light at the end of the tunnel. In the moment that all of this dawned on me, I realized that hope is the key. Hope is the key to j0y, and love, and true trust in the Lord and how good he is. Hope leads to all those things. And the hunt for hope began.

1 Peter 1: 3-6

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials.

Job 11:18

You will be secure, for there is a hope; you will look about you and rest in safety.

There are so many verses that helped me through that time of rediscovering hope. But these two were the greatest comfort. This is something I dealt with about 6 months ago. I never posted about it because I thought no one would want to read about not having hope. But the reality is, we all lose hope sometimes. It is easy to do so in this world we live in.

Just know you are not alone, and there are people who understand.

If you’ve lost your hope, you can find it again. In Jesus. He is so good, and he will carry you through the hard times. You just have to let him.

 

 

Content.

Have you ever had a moment, where you sit back and realize that you are completely satisfied. Where you realize that you are perfectly content with where you are in life? I had this realization today.

As the sun streams through my window, my heart was completely at peace. There was no glimmer of sadness, or confusion. There was complete peace, and rest. I have joy in every circumstance that I am encountering every day. I am not saying that life is easy right now, it is as far from easy as it has every been. Every day I encounter a new struggle, a new battle. But I have given my heart, and life completely to the Lord.

I have never felt this way in my entire existence. I have felt close to it, but never when chaotic, potentially painful, things are happening. In exchange for my complete surrender, he gave me the gift of being completely content, and how beautiful it is to feel this way. Complete surrender may sound hard, and initially it is. But after, what a beautiful thing it is. I have no anxiety, no stress, just joy and peace. I know the Lord is in complete control, and that he will hold me, take care, and provide for me.

I don’t really have much else to say. I just wanted to share this beautiful snippet of my life right now.

January.

January is one of those months that I would love to pretend did not happen. It was slow and painful as I lived everyday. Living might be pushing it. I spent every day existing, but not living.

There were times, moments, where I would snap out of it. But for the most part, I was being thrown  about in the waves, lifeless and not even fighting to get back on the shore.

I spent the month in a state of not knowing, not understanding why. Usually I manage to find joy in not knowing, but it got to me. I was miserable. Caring about anything of this world was hard. I felt I cared to much, and that was why I kept getting hurt. So I did my best to not care.

Oh, how good the Lord is. He held me, so close. Through the whole month of lows, he continued to give me peace. Even in the sadness and brokenness, he still would wrap me in a blanket of his peace. Some days I would wake up and just lay in my bed and cry. Every time that happened, I could feel his physical comfort. He would also send sweet souls along my path that would remind me of how good he is.

He provided me with newfound friendships in hearts I would never expect to connect so deeply with. The people I spend most of my time with may be twice my age, but they have young spirits. A beautiful youthfulness to them, and what a blessing that has been in these days. They also have wisdom, and I drink up the words they speak to my heart. They seek my perspective, and I seek their wisdom.

January was a fresh start, but it was a rocky fresh start. Though I felt the past kept repeating itself, the Lord pulled me through. He is so good, and he has provided me with a newfound joy and confidence in him this new month. So I will continue to take life one day at a time, one week at a time, and one month at a time. I shall not dwell on the future, or on the past. Just on the present. I will continue to prepare my heart for the things to come, though I do not know what that may be. But I trust my daddy in heaven. He holds my past, present, and future. And his intentions are good. He is good. Therefore I will always be good, even when I don’t feel like it. He’s always got me covered, and he will never let me down.

Sun.

The last few days in our lovely state of Minnesota have been a whirlwind of warmth, sunshine, and happy people. You see cars with their windows down, runners running in shorts, and people generally seeming happier than our usual February mood.

I have also noticed a change in my own general mood. When I wake up and find the sun beaming through my window, immediately I feel this calm peace about the day. That it holds promise. I find myself not allowing anything to drag me down; not letting anyone or anything steal my sunshine. But there is always that lingering word, “We all know better. The cold winter will return.” These words are the ones that threaten to rain on my parade, but I still refuse to let them do so.

Life is the same way as the weather, especially in our beautiful state. We have these beautiful times, where joy comes easily and just a general state of happiness is what life is. Then there are times that are cold, and dark, and that you have to fight to find joy in. Where happiness seems to be impossible, and having a positive outlook on life is a daily struggle. But when we are in those bright times, full of joy, hope, and happiness, we cannot be awaiting those darker times, and instead just enjoy the bright ones. We cannot brace ourselves and wait for the storm to hit, because it takes away from the joy in everyday. And those hard times? They make the bright days feel even brighter.

So for the next few days, I will continue to enjoy the bright shining, and this spring weather. I will live each and everyday full of joy, promise, and laughter. I will continue to fully recognize what a blessing these times are, but also not dwell on the fact that any day a storm could hit.

I’ve got a big God on my side. One who holds me, and calls me his daughter. So even when the storm does hit, he will hold me steady and help me see the hope and the joy in everyday.

 

Disclaimer: (because people like to pick stuff apart)

I do not enjoy winter. I struggle with winter depression, so this is just how I am relating things in my brain these days. So if you love winter and you jam well with that, then awesome. This metaphor just works well for me 🙂

 

 

Dawn: Part 2

This quiet heart beats softly, waiting for the answers to come. Serenity comes when the sun rises, for new hope is found afresh. Solitude is found at dawn, in the still, silent moments that draw the heart out of a place of hiding.The calm of the wind, brings the kind reminder that times will get better, and to see the beauty in these days.

Yet there is still the slight after taste of the pain. It leaves a slight bitter taste in the mouth, and brings back memories of the past. The coffee helps.

Moments of quiet before the Lords heart lead this heart to a place of peace and joy. The comfort found in leaning into him, and knowing that he will always catch me. The heart finds itself finding hope, and seeing the grace that flows abundantly as the sun comes up over the horizon.

The day takes its toll. Beauty is found, joy is felt, and peace reigns supreme. But it still takes a toll.

So this heart, this reckless heart, finds peace in remembering that their is yet another dawn to come. A fresh hope. A fresh mind. A new day.

And serenity becomes the natural state of being.

Grace, upon grace, upon grace.

 

Little Thunderstorm- pt1.

To the little thunderstorm, how you changed everything I think and know about this world. You had so much power, power I never thought a storm as small as you could have possibly had. But how you changed my entire life. You wreaked havoc, but in the best way possible. How I wish the other had not forgotten you. How I wish they had not forgotten the effect you had, and the bond you sought to create. The precious thing you were, and a time where even the most destructive things were perceived as beautiful in my eyes. I do not know what to do anymore. I do not know how to remember you. I do not know how to grieve your leaving. I do not know how. I wish you were still here, my little thunderstorm to remind me how to remember. For if you had never left, you could never have been forgotten. Maybe this is grief. Maybe this is what it feels like to feel complete loss. I do not know how to perceive my own thoughts and feelings anymore. How much easier it would be if the other would remember you. Or at least try, as I am. I have no words it seems, yet somehow I still find a way to write, and process it all as the keys tap away. I do not know anymore, my little thunder storm. You changed everything. Yet somehow also changed nothing. You are missed, Little Thunderstorm. Oh, so much. And even though you have been gone for a long time, I remember. At least I try. I will always try.

 

 

A Day.

The sweet song came on at 7 am, but she was already awake staring at the ceiling. Her feet hit the soft carpet, and she sat for a moment trying to decide how she felt. Then the routine began. Make the bed, tidy the room, make the coffee, wash the dishes. Routine. She was a creature of habit. She sat finally and stared out the window while she drank her coffee. Sadness was all she felt. She did not understand why. For yesterday had been a day where she felt nothing but happy. Smiles had come easily, and laughter had been abundant. Yet somehow she woke up today completely numb. The routine continued. Pick an outfit, get dressed, brush teeth, makeup, put on a mask that looks happy.

She was not depressed, she had been depressed before and this was different. She could stills mile at pretty things. And laugh when things were funny. She could still talk to people, and enjoy beautiful days. But it was when she was inside, when she was alone, there was something broken and missing. And she would fall into a sadness so sweet that it would engulf her. She would look into the mirror and not even recognize what she saw. When she was falling asleep, she would feel as if something was missing. She would cry out to the Lord, and the tears would begin to fall. Once the tears began it was if they had no way to stop. She cried out to the Lord asking him why she felt this way.

“Take it away, Lord. Take my heart and lock it away in your vault.” She cried out on her knees, tears streaming down her face. Then all of a sudden she was overwhelmed with peace, not that she had not had it the whole time. This was different. She could feel nothing but peace. Then joy hit. Floods of joy overwhelmed her.

And he spoke to the quiet of her heart, “You were given this life, because with me you are strong enough to live it. You will prosper. I will never leave you, or let you down. I love you, my daughter.”

The next morning, the sweet song sounded at 7 am. She went about her routine as per usual, but this time she sang as she went like she usually did. Her smile was bright, and peace reflected in her eyes. It did not mean she did not feel sad because of the losses she had had, but she chose to dwell in the Lords heart. The joy of his heart, overpowered the sadness in her human heart. The joy of the Lord was her strength.

 

Yesterday.

The path that I walk is one of joy, grace, and peace. The moment that doubts, or insecurities start to creep in, he places people along the path to remind me of who I am, who he is, and who those I love and trust are. Solitude is found in the hearts that listen, and who seek further understanding of who I am. Their response is one of encouragement and spoken blessings, and provide an even greater understanding of the Lords heart. She is one of the many that provided a large dose of joy, in a day that felt grim to start.

The abundance of joy and reassurance that came from remembering. Remembering who he is, who I am, and who the ones I love are. It is a grace unlike any other. The joy that flooded over me, as I spoke truth aloud just to the Lord.

The phone call. The one that made the cup overflow. Beauty.

Oh, Lord. How good you are. Your beauty if abundant, your grace is glorious, and the joy you provide is like nothing else this world has to offer.

Thank you for guiding me along the path.